Recently, the Birgin Bristol has taken to making observations about and giving advice to Barack Obama via her blog.

She assures everyone that, like, ohmigod, sure she writes it herself, except that sometimes Willow gives her ideas when, you know, she's not, you know, drunkorexia. Anyway, everyone knows that it's not what you do. It's, like, what you say, like Mama Bear has proved so many times. So, who is better qualified to give advice to the guy in the Tan House than herself? You know? Look where she, the Birgin Bristol, is today. And, she didn't even have a hit CD!

So, anyways. he has to stop listening to his kids. They are soooo young. And, they go to that rich kids' school where they learn nothing that's important, like how to get the best guy's eye. Holy Moly Drunkarolly, there're probably no best guys at that school. There's probably like a rule or something against letting them in!

This gay marriage thing is very no way, very very Will & Grace. That's an ancient TV show from when the Birgin was only a teenie wanna bopper her own self, hanging by the hockey rink surveying the hunkage. But, even then, she knew that you can NOT reap the fruit of the loom from gayness, except if they are, like, hairdressers. And, it turns out that they make good internal designers, or so Mama Bear tells her.  How she would know, she's not sure. Must be some kind of doctor. Anyway, this Little Grizzlette has to go. But, Mr. Obama, no more listening to the little girls. Real men don't do that. And, Nixon on the Gayness.

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We interrupt this stream of discontinuity with a blast of sanity.

Sasha and Malia Obama were born in 2001 and 1998, respectively. In dog years this would make the Birgin Bristol a lot older. However,  Sasha and Malia Obama are not dogs. If no catastrophe intervenes, they will assuredly graduate from high school without getting pregnant and graduate from university, likely with honors. They will do this because at their young ages they already have personal priorities that extend beyond tomorrow evening. If they were suddenly given a pile of cash, they would still finish high school and graduate from college.

Whatever opinions they might offer on any subject would be regarded by either of their parents with respect, love and affection,.